Since daddy died in November I've been struggling. The unstuck series has given me alot of things to think about.
I haven't had much of a chance to just rest, my life for the last couple of years has been a worldwind with running to Georgia to help take care of daddy every 4 to 6 weeks, travel for work and keep caught up in the office and thought I would have a chance to rest from January through the end of March because I didn't have any travel scheduled for almost 3 months, the second week of January that changed and I went from having no travel scheduled to 7 trips scheduled just by the end of March. Right now I have 3 trips in March, 3 in April and it won't let up until the end of November. I was approached about a job with another program on base that would have more long term security but I would be dong nothing but writing processes for the next year. Not sure I could take that and I can't clear my thoughts enough to even pray about it. When I am home, I numb myself with food as I sit in front of the t.v. or the computer. And there is little on that I haven't seen or that benefits my mind.

I went to Wichita in January to get a plane back into service then I was home just one day and left for my mom's when she broke her hip. There's been no rest and I know I'm short and impatiant with people and at times a bit resentful and unforgiving of some in my own family. I'm not spending time with God, i flip through the channels on the T.V. even when nothing is on and I feel churned up inside much of the time, so I'm taking some drastic measures to try and replace those things I use to numb my feelings and get all the noise out of my life and just find some peace and quiet.

With that said, after this Wednesday I will not have my land line anymore, (but I have my cell phone) I won't have the t.v. or the internet anymore. I'm hoping to spend more time with friends, more time doing the things I should be doing, more times with things that matter and that bring me joy, more time with God.

I'm feeling like this is kind of a cross between a Kooky experiment and my last hope. I'm just hoping I have a chance to rest and take a breathe and re-align my life. Plus being gone so much, I have to say I question giving all that money to the cable company anyway. I plan to journal this experience and it will be interesting what the next few months brings, whether it changes anything or brings me a little peace, whatever it does, I hope it's get me back on the right road. I must sound crazy for taking such drastic measures but I feel this is a good thing although every day i seem to have at least one moment where I regret having arranged all this, i almost panic a little and I think what am I doing! That must be a sign that I'm doing the right thing! Ha!

I'm anxious just to hear myself think and force myself back into the priorities that should be in my life as well as get back to living my life rather than just making it through each day. I have been filling my life with all this junk I think so I don't have to deal with losing my dad, the pressures of work, worrying about my mom being alone or stressing over Jake getting deployed. I need to fill it with God and I know that, it's just that He's been much easier to ignore than face lately. It's time to remedy that.

Appreciate your prayers and I'll let you know how it all ends up.

Suzanne, you certainly have my prayers. May God bless your efforts to be in touch with Him again!

I totally understand your struggle Suzanne. I have just the $9.95 per month cable for the reception and it still sucks me in sometimes especially when I sit to feed Mom and it takes 30-60 minutes. I'm a crazy multi-tasker so definitely I try to eat at the same time I'm feeding her. I'm in process of trying out "Magic Jack", the new internet phone system that's next to free. I'll probably like it because I don't like to hang on the phone very often so less is more in that case. The landline will get outsourced then. My cell phones are broke even though I never really use them that much, I do feel a need for at least one or two so I can keep tabs on the kids and Mom when I have to leave the house. I do kind of like the fellowship & sense of connectedness that the computer gives me, but I certainly am not on it all day. I probably could be on it less. If I were able to be out more then I would probably use it even less. Even though our situations aren't identical, there certainly are things that are similar probably for everyone.

Eating well can be expensive sometimes especially if you have to eat on the go. Over the years I've kind of taken on a new habit of keeping very strongly flavored small candy on hand. When I feel I want something I'm craving, I get one of those in my favorite flavor like jolly rancher cherry instead of half a cheesecake or whatever. Gum also helps. I get to chew but hey not calories. For me, it tends to be consistency over the long haul depending on what it is. The higher priority I place on it the more I work to do the healthy thing. Sometimes I just don't give a rat's behind.

The other morning, I got up and I took Mom into the bathroom and sat her on the toilet and I sat on the floor in front of her and as I was getting everything ready to get her dressed, etc., I just began to cry and then to sob uncontrollably. I simply could not stop. I was then mad at myself and I felt guilty for being selfish and for wanting a break. Looking at her and only being able to imagine what it must be like for her.

I ask myself sometimes if strict functionality is is healthy or just a "fake high". Sometimes I have to break the routine so my mind doesn't snap. I never abuse thyroid meds or the low-dose cymbalta (which works wonders for me), but very occasionally I abuse alchohol depending on what's going on. I also struggle not to abuse the Klonipin the doctor gave me for those days I am anxious. It's easy to want to trust in a pill instead of leaning on God for issues of anxiety and stress, etc.(which I think is just worry). The occasional expletive & some rudeness is a big one for me at this time. On the good side. I don't flip people off any more. In the environment that I grew up in I was considered this ultra-moral person, but in the church environment I was well..not so much so...now it's better.

Suzanne....the only way you can ultimately fail at what you're doing is to simply quit trying. It is impossible to fail if you simply keep moving in the direction you are led to go. Sometimes we move at a snails pace and we think we'll never get there and other times it's better. Don't give up. I'll pray for you. Love, Michaiah

We have a MagicJack that we use for an employee who sometimes works from home. Pretty amazing device really. $20 a year and you get a phone, free long distance, no per min. fees, voice mail. I don't think the phone company will be around in it's present state much longer. It's an out dated system that's only around because of rule #7 (But I've always done it that way). Some people just don't know there are better options.

I had a gentleman in my office this week that still thinks you have to get your phone from the phone company. He's still paying a monthly fee for the old telephone in his kitchen. He really didn't know he had a choice.

Sor far ours works well. We're not having any problems with it. I don't necessarily like the way it has to load up on the screen before I can use it, but I'm sure there's a way around it as far as configuring to minimize automatically so I can login to sites without waiting for MJ to load. So far, it's great. I would recommend it to anyone. If you have a laptop and you are somewhere w/o a landline, it would make a nice backup for a cell phone.

Then again since you need to have a computer to make it work anyway you might consider something like X-Lite instead and a subscription with a VoIP service. That way you'd have the phone but not need the physical phone. Your notebook mic and speakers take over the job.

Sorry Suzanne. I'm a propeller head and I tend to go off on techie tangents pretty easily.

I think that the economic situation we're in causes people to look at priorities again. Not just money priorities, but all of them. As we evaluate what's important to us for spending money, it also forces us to evaluate what's important to us overall. To ask ourselves more of those core questions.

Last week's message still has me thinking. What's my passion? What's my hub? Am I as empty as I appear to be when I look at myself?

Hi all,
Normally, I don't put in my two cents worth, but I feel for Jerry's frustration with "what is my passion?"
Every year when Mike comes to this topic, I feel frustrated, but something he said this time seemed to click and made me realize that I have been doing my passion/purpose all along.
Since the early '70's, when the Lord Jesus really became real to Dennis and I, Colossians 3:23, 24 has been a favorite passage: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for men. Remember that the Lord will give you as a reward what he has kept for his people. For Christ is the real Master you serve."
Two others are from Philippians: 2:13 "God is always at work in you to make you willing and able to obey his own purpose."
And 4:13 "I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me."
If I follow what these verses say/mean, I will be doing His purpose for my life.
These are quoted from the Good New Bible.

Mary,

First let me say it's great to see you posting again. It's been a long time and I've missed you. The two of you are some of the long-term GUM people that makes GUM less than strangers for me.

With the verses you sighted... are you saying that everything is your passion because you do it passionately for God so there's no single item that you feel more passionate about than others?

For me I guess I'm passionate about work. It seem shallow, but I'm a workaholic. I could take time off but I don't. I could come in later, but I don't. I could go home sooner, but I don't. I get annoyed if something comes up that takes me away from work. I get annoyed when Bonnie talks about "home stuff" when I'm at work.

I'm not doing any great job that serves humanity or anything. I just seem to really like to work. I guess I'm passionate about it even if it isn't something of any value in itself.

Some people work hard so they can ___________ (fill in the blank, feed their family, retire early, buy a new car, etc). For me I work hard because there's work to be done. The work is the end, not the means to and end. I guess that's pretty sad huh?

If I didn't need any money would I continue to work? I'm just not sure, but I think I might. Sure I'd travel for a bit first but I think I'd quickly end up back at work.

I don't think it's any coincidence that so many men die within two years of retiring. They lose the only reason they had to live.

Then again, a study of Boeing employees found that those that retired at age 65 only live an average of 1.5 years, to age 66.5 while those that retired before the age of 55 lived to an average age of 88 so maybe I'm all wrong and work is bad.

I know stress is hard on the body and I feel stress all day, every day, while working.

Okay, let's label this as the "Day They All Came Out of the Woodwork." Jerry, I can identify with your passion for work. Mary, I have always had Colossians 3:23 as a "life verse". Jerry, I can tell you what happens at retirement. You will probably do something like I have done -- take a part-time or volunteer position somewhere and work at it 60-80 hours a week. Puttering around the golf course or sitting by the pool or on the beach in Miami is good for about 4 hours every ten years. If I did not work at soemthing meaningful, I would probably couch-potatoe myself into a grave in the next 2-5 years. Don't be ashamed of a passion for work, but do be careful that you do not shut Jesus out of your work.

Jerry and Mike,
It is good to get your comments on what I wrote. Dennis is like you both - an "achiever" who needs to work. Even tho he is retired, he is just as busy as he was when he went to a job 5 days a week.

Jerry, I see my purpose as serving God no matter what I am doing or where I am. No matter what I may be doing, if I am doing it as "unto the Lord," I am doing what I am supposed to be doing; and I need to be in tune with Him and what He is leading me to do.
I imagine that you are Christ's representative at your work - that is a great purpose, in my estimation.