We're going to talk about D-day. D-day doesn't just mean divorce, it also means disillusionment. I think no matter where you are, in whatever stage of marriage or preparation for marriage, there is always a day of disillusionment somewhere in every marriage.

Carolyn and I had been married for about three years. We had a lot of adjustments, learning about each other. But the real D-day for me was a Friday afternoon. Both of us were full-time students. She was going to the University of Kentucky working on her master's and I was working on my master's at Asbury Seminary. We worked every weekend in youth ministry in Cincinnati, burning the candle at both ends. This particular Friday, I was picking her up at U.K. in front of the building where she had a carrel as a graduate student. It was pouring rain as she came out of the door with her arms full of books. I didn't get out with an umbrella, nor did I get out to help her or open the door. I just leaned over and opened it. She, in struggling, dropped a library book into the gutter, which floated into the sewer. Needless to say, when she got in the car she was upset. She said to me in her anger, which I never believed I would hear, "I don't know if I love you anymore."

From that point, until June 1, 1992, we went into 'numb.' That was a long time from the third year to the twentieth year of marriage. My idea was, "I'm a Christian, I'll just tough this out all the way to heaven because God doesn't like divorce." She said God hates things that are worse than divorce of how it demonstrates lack of what love should be in marriages and homes. It was that day in 1992 that I really began to understand God's design for marriage. Isn't that amazing? A pastor married 20 years, but having more of an American romanticized idea of what a marriage relationship is supposed to be, rather than a biblical perspective, God's perspective, on what he designed marriage to be.

Open your Bibles because we need to take it straight from the words of Jesus himself. We're going to look at Matthew 19 beginning with verse 3. Let's pray. "Lord, guide us through Your Holy Spirit as Your word examines our lives and our homes and our relationships. In Jesus' name, Amen."

"Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?' 'Haven't you read,' he replied, 'that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.' 'Why then,' they asked, 'did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?' Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.'"

You remember from three weeks ago the Greek word porneo. It's bigger than adultery. Men, I wish we could go on a retreat together, maybe we will have a one-day retreat some time this year and talk about what that means. Porneo is the word from which we get pornography. It means the spectrum of sexual immorality. "The disciples said to him, 'If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.'" Probably so for most people.

If I don't understand the Creator's design, the one who planned this whole thing and I go off on some alternative direction, then I'm dooming my marriage to failure. It's very important for all of us, no matter how much frustration we've experienced, that we truly understand what the Creator's intention is for this relationship. A marriage is a God-union. It is more than human choice, something that two people decide or change based on how two people feel. It's not even dependent on failure or infidelity. For most of human history, and even in many places in the world today, people aren't married based on a romantic connection, people are married through arranged marriages. Almost all biblical marriages were not romantic marriages, they were arranged marriages - and they worked! They work when people understand what marriage is all about.

Marriage is a creation of God. In Ephesians 5, it says it is a profound mystery of what God does that two individuals literally become one entity. What God has joined together, what Jesus said here, human beings should not attempt to separate. It's not something that two people have decided and then they can un-decide. It is a miracle of God. It is a heaven connection that God puts together and people have no business then messing with what God has put together.

God's whole intention for this relationship is not primarily romantic, where I find one person who can 'complete' me. But the intention for this union is that it becomes a visible demonstration of Christ's commitment to his church of God's love for his people. Jesus said to us as his church, "I will never leave you or forsake you." I love the way it says it in Romans 8. Here's how Paul interpreted Christ's commitment: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Angels and demons can't separate you from Christ's love or make Christ let you go. That's an incredible commitment. Christ's love for you is not based on your worthiness or performance. It's not even based on changing feelings. God's whole intention for this relationship on earth - for what children and other people will see is the unconditional love of God expressed through these two human beings who become the experience of God's grace to each other. It has nothing to do with, "Honey, you need to lose a little weight." In marriage, two human beings will be able to look into each other's eyes and they'll see the reflection of God's eyes - how God perceives that person. You'll discover as you look at your spouse, there's no better way that you'll discover that you're the apple of God's eye and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made - even when your spouse knows all of your junk. And even though you know all of your spouse's junk, you keep demonstrating this unconditional love of God that will never let you go. It's only when Carolyn loves me in this way that I know, in the midst of all of my sin and crap, that I can stand naked and unashamed before God. That's the intent of this relationship. Not that you find happiness and self-fulfillment, but that you become the visible demonstration of Christ's commitment to his church.

It took me 20 years to learn that marriage is not based in love. The whole foundation of marriage is faith. All of us, everyone in the room who is married, no matter how strong your marriage is, would admit that there are times of disillusionment in your marriage. I compare marriage; this is just an analogy because it's bigger than this, to buying a puppy - puppy love. You know how it is when you see the puppy at the store and you want to get the puppy and you think it's so cute and you take that puppy home and it poops on the floor. Not once, not twice. You take it outside, you stand in the cold, and it does nothing. As soon as you take it back into the house...you know what I mean? We are clean people at our house. Our carpets are cleaned twice a year and we still have stains from our first dog on the carpets that never come up. They get sick, they throw up. Their vet bills are worse than my children's doctor bills, because I don't have pet insurance. Here's the other thing, they grow up. You know how hard it is, when you go out of town, to find a babysitter for your 125 pound dog? Most people who get puppies should not get puppies. This is exactly what Jesus' disciples were saying. If this is really what marriage is all about and you can't get out of it, that they come home and they're going to poop on the floor and they're going to do all of this kind of stuff, then it would be better not to get married. We love our dog, but Carolyn said to me again the other day when he got sick on the floor, "I'm going to miss this dog when he goes, but I don't know if we'll ever get another one." Can any of you relate? Marriage is a lot like that. I say to Carolyn, "If anything ever happens to you, I don't think I'm going to get married again. This is a lot of work." It's really great what comes out of this. There is deep fulfillment. But the fulfillment only comes out of the work.

It doesn't help that of all the media and movies and books and things we read tells of this love myth that there's one special, ideal person out there and when I find this person and connect with this person, they will 'complete' me and I will find self-fulfillment and happiness for life. There is no other person on the planet who can complete you or fulfill you. It is only through God that we will find the completeness that we need in our relationship with God. What happens when we allow ourselves to buy into this love myth and continue to hang on to it, is that, "You don't make me happy. You don't understand me. You don't connect with me." Remember, the goal of marriage is not to make you happy. Marriage isn't about you. Then why get married? Marriage is to honor God. That's a far out concept, isn't it. It's not to make you happy, it's to honor God. What happens then is we enter this danger zone and become vulnerable to the snare of adultery. Adultery is this trap that is set by the illusion of self-fulfillment and personal happiness.

Some of the best advice I ever got in my life was from a Kroger executive when I was in my mid-twenties. Carolyn and I were pastoring in Cincinnati at the time and there was a Kroger executive who was probably about in his 40s. He said to me, "Mike, here's some great advice for your marriage: read Proverbs at least three times a week." It is amazing in the book of Proverbs how much warning we get about keeping healthy boundaries between ourselves and our neighbor's spouse. That is a very important thing. One of the things I do, I had a voice in how our building was designed. Every office we have in this building, there's a window in that office door. If I go to lunch with Pastor Sue, someone else goes to lunch with us. If we travel on the road, we always have to travel at least in teams of three. I'm just like Peter. I'm not stupid to say, "Lord, I'll never deny you." I'm very capable. So what we have to do is to lose this love illusion about happiness and self-fulfillment and really build healthy boundaries between ourselves and our neighbors' spouses.

Here's the question then. Probably about half of the folks in this fellowship have gone through the pain of divorce. Biblically, is divorce ever an option? Is that a fair question? Is remarriage an option, then, if you've been divorced? What does the Bible say? In Jesus' time there were two schools of thought. The Pharisees that came with him came reflecting the first school of thought that was taught by a rabbi by the name of Hillel. Hillel taught that you could divorce your wife for any reason. That's why they said, "Can we divorce for any and every cause?" If she gained a little weight, if all of a sudden she has too many wrinkles, if she burned supper or if your feelings changed. That was the first school of thought.

The second school of thought, which some people would say is more narrow, was taught by a rabbi by the name of Shama and he said from the Deuteronomy passage, there is only one reason for divorce and that is the reason of sexual infidelity. In the passage we read, Jesus supported the second school of thought. So, the New Testament says there are only two exceptions where divorce is a possibility. Here are the two exceptions. Jesus named the first: that if anyone divorces their spouse, except for the cause of immorality, that's called the exception clause in the New Testament, then they commit adultery. And if they marry again they commit adultery. If immorality is the cause, then they're set free from that. He said except for the cause of immorality, they're set free from that bond, which makes them then free to remarry. The second exception is mentioned in I Corinthians 7. The Apostle Paul said if there is abandonment. Abandonment is the failure of one party to fulfill the promises in meeting the emotional or physical needs of their partner. Another way to say emotional or physical abuse is abandonment.

Those are the only two exceptions and the New Testament says if there is divorce for any reason besides abandonment, emotional or physical abuse is what that means, or immorality, then you are into a cycle of adultery. Here's what I want you to see: infidelity does not break the bond that God has made. There are people in this room right now who are carrying the pain of infidelity in your marriage and you're still married and it's hard to get over that pain. Infidelity did not break the bond that God has made. Then why will God allow divorce? God allows it, but it wasn't his intent in the beginning. This is very important: the only reason God allows divorce, but doesn't intend divorce, is because of hardness of heart. God allows divorce when there is no repentance. When there has been an act of infidelity and the party who has committed that offense does not repent and they continue in that lifestyle, then for the sake of God's child who is committed to that relationship for their emotional and spiritual wellbeing, God will release them from that bond for their own preservation and health. But where there is repentance, God's intention is for healing, whether you've already gone through divorce, or you're still in a marriage where you have experienced infidelity.

God uses pain as a great healer. Pain is probably the greatest physician that I know in creating transformation when we deal with our pain and not try to repress it or deny it. God can use pain in your marriage in such a way that you become so close that nothing can ever come between you again. What is so key in this healing process is that all healing begins with forgiveness. When you don't ignore the pain, but identify it, deal with it and talk about it, all healing will begin.

Turn to Colossians 2:13. "When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins . . ." That's still hard for me because some of my sins, with my own self-condemnation, I hang onto stuff like it's too big for God to forgive and I've got to go for years proving to him that I'm worthy of his forgiveness. Do any of you struggle with that kind of self un-forgiveness? Am I the only one?

Look at verse 14. "...having cancelled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us..." The charge of legal indebtedness means you're guilty, violating the created order of God. Guilty. Signed, sealed and delivered guilty. What God does is cancel the charge of all legal indebtedness. There's not a sin that God can't cancel from a repentant sinner." ...he has taken it away, nailing it to a cross." This means cancelled. This is what God does. Forgiveness begins with me forgiving myself. Until I understand the scope of God's forgiveness for me, I can never really forgive my spouse. Cancelled means the wrong that I have done no longer dominates God's thoughts. It can dominate my thoughts, but the wrong that I have done no longer dominates God's thoughts. God doesn't keep rehearsing my treasonous act. What kills a relationship is unforgiveness, when we keep rehearsing the treasonous act. And get this: God treats me and sees me as if it never happened. God, you mean you don't keep rehearsing my stuff in your mind and you see me and treat me as if it's never happened? That is what he has done on the cross. The guilt is removed, it's not pardoned - it is removed.

When I understand the scope of God's forgiveness in my life, then that means the wrong that my spouse has committed against me no longer dominates my thoughts. It means that in our relationship, we don't keep rehearsing the treasonous act. It means that I treat my spouse as if it never happened and we literally become the experience and demonstration of God's grace on earth. Isn't that amazing? It gets better.

You've got to look at verse 15 in relationship to verses 13 and 14. Not only did he forgive by removing our guilt, he has "disarmed the powers and authorities. He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." How many of you were here two weeks ago when Carolyn was sitting up here with me? Did you like having her here with me? I was just thinking, boy, Jesus kicked the devil in the behind, didn't he? Not only did he forgive, he disarmed.

When he's talking about the powers and authorities, he's talking about the powers of hell. The powers of hell want to destroy. There's not a more powerful force on earth than the love of God. Not that cheap, romantic Hollywood portrayed stuff. I'm talking about the unconditional love of God that will never leave you nor forsake you. There's nothing more dangerous on earth than that kind of love. The whole focus of hell is to destroy what God has created and the powers of hell are working against you. They've got all kinds of weapons. One of the greatest weapons that the powers of hell have is the weapon of unforgiveness, especially when it comes to sexual sins. When I realize that when God looks at me, what he has done on the cross of Jesus Christ, he sees me as if it never happened. Then I no longer have to condemn myself and then I am free to fully forgive my spouse. This is where all healing begins.

We're going to do a visualization prayer together. The Holy Spirit is here now. There is going to be some incredible healing in what God is going to do. Regardless of where you are, whether you have gone through the pain of divorce and God's promise for your future, or whether you see no hope, you're in numbness in a marriage relationship. Right now, God is going to do some incredible things.

Bow your head and picture with me a prayer of visualization. I want you to identify, whether you're divorced or married, the area of failure that you know you're responsible for in your life and that you've never really forgiven yourself  because you know you're guilty, you know you're wrong. I want you to picture the very thing that you've named, that you condemn yourself for, God taking that away from you, totally taking it off of you, just like removing cancer, by what he's done on the cross. He nails it to the cross. I want you to picture the eyes of Jesus looking into you. And there's no wrong that dominates his thoughts about your life. You see acceptance. You see trust. You see belief in your potential. He sees you as if it's never happened. The promise of the word of God is that he removes the sin from you as far as the east is from the west. That is an infinite continuum. Whether it's an ex-spouse or the spouse that you're married to right now, I want you to picture the same forgiveness, releasing them fully to the love of God. "Lord, give me the strength to be the visible demonstration of Your love and grace; that I can show Your love and Your honor to those that I love and am committed to. We pray this together in Jesus' name. Amen."